You are not forgotten.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Minggu, Oktober 10, 2010 00.46

Today I was amazed by God (again) and His restless love and care for me.
He said something that broke my heart into pieces and put it again altogether in the right place.

I was caught up with my self yesterday, that put me in a really bad mood, which I can say, lucky no one's there. But that's the problem at the beginning. No one's there! I was so fed up with my life and I needed someone to talk to, but no one's there. Everybody was conveniently busy with their own stuff. My brother was at work, my colleagues were nowhere within my reach, and the only best friend who would listen to me if she wasn't asleep, lives so far far away that I wish I could go there every time, but apparently I can't. So I made a short conclusion with unfortunately not much wisdom left, and I just shouted out loud: God, maybe you just don't love me anymore. How come you make me wait, for everything... Even for a friend? I was lucky that God Himself is love. He didn't send a large scary thunder to make His point to me. I think He just sat down at His throne and sighed.

Then like usually, whenever I am confused and not being myself, God put me to sleep, so deep, that I woke up late this morning. Sunday morning, that I can't afford to be late, because the church I've been going these past few weeks is a very very, and I mean very packed up church. I'm telling you, you can't be late if you want to go to this church, or you will end up sitting on the stairs, hearing the delayed voice of the priest from a 42" plasma TV. So there I was, so late, still confused, haven't finished my make up and haven't gotten the chance to fix my hair, and the clock's ticking like a time bomb.... then I said God, let me just stay home and cry. I don't want to sit on the church's stairs. Just let me stay home, okay. I'm sorry...... But the moment I went back to my bed to sit and cry, God said in my heart: Go. So I woke up, and rushed myself to find a cab. Why? Because I believe when He say something He mean it. I believed Him.

I arrived ten minutes later than I supposed to be, I ran and took the stairs and tried to beat everyone who's taking the elevator. And when I reached the 10th floor, with my heart beat still racing with my breath, getting ready to sit down outside the main room or on the stairs if I must, an usher called me and let me in, then inside, another usher called me and gave me the front seat. I mean the front seat! Where I can see the priest's face so clear that maybe I can see his pimple if I want (no, I'm just kidding, it's not that close...). I was about to sit and thank God for all that, when God shouted in my heart: "Now you tell Me I don't love you?!"
That moment, like I said earlier, my heart broke into pieces and pulled together right away to be put back in the right place. Everything that was wrong in my heart was fixed, and I got myself back, a one loved human being, God's own child, the apple of God's eye. And I realized, that I was not being myself these two days, I was letting myself go with what satan said about me. It's all him who said that I wasn't loved. It's him who told me that God forgot about me. And I was being stupid when I believed all those lies.

At the end of the sermon, the priest asked us to open Jeremiah chapter 1 verse 5 that said, "before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you..."
You see, that is how much God loves us. He knew all about us since there is none of us yet. He had plans for us, even before we're able to make our own plans. So when He loves us that much, it is purely impossible to forget about us.

Now I don't know where you are, and what happened with you. Maybe you're fed up with life just like I was yesterday, maybe your friends were busy and you feel very lonely, and maybe it's so hard for you to understand why this or that is happening to you, and maybe you begin to think that God doesn't love you anymore. If it did cross your mind today, let me suggest that you sit down and pray. Imagine Him holding your hands, and imagine you look Him in the eye. And look again deeper in the realm of your spirit, take your time to calm down... And I bet, you will see, that He has nothing but love for you. Because that is Him. He can only love. And to Him, you are His everything. He had beautiful plans for you. For He loves you more than you love yourself. You have to remember that. So you wouldn't let satan's lies take away your joy and faith.

Then go to sleep. I think it helps. ^^

Sometimes it's not about what I want.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Senin, September 06, 2010 09.52

I wanted a room, where everything is mine, but if I only have a desk and a chair, then it's going to be fine. I wanted new things all the way, but old things work better anyway. I wanted to be heard by people, and no one did, but God heard me, and more than those people, He actually did something, and make a difference. I wanted to be able to solve all my problems, and turned out that I couldn't, but just in time, God took over everything and everything is solved, in ways I can't think of...
I wanted freedom, but I got stuck in a place where freedom is as rare as seeing mars with bare eyes... but you know what, it doesn't seem to limit my ability to speak, and to think, and to walk, and to learn and to do good things, so it doesn't matter.

I wanted a lot of things but a lot of things isn't always the answer. Sometimes the answer is in the smallest thing, if I remember to always give thanks in the end of the day.

Hidup yang Besar.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Minggu, Juli 18, 2010 10.53

Aku telah mengatakannya dan hari ini aku akan mengatakannya lagi... Ada hidup yang 'besar' menunggu kita. Kita, maksudnya, aku, kamu, dan semuanya... Tidak terkecuali. Tidak pilih-pilih. Kita. Setiap pribadi, direncanakan Allah untuk menjadi besar. Masalahnya cuma satu, ada prosesnya. Dan ada caranya. Dan terlebih dari itu, kita, pelakunya. Yang kita lakukan, pada akhirnya akan menentukan apakah rencana 'besar' itu terwujud atau tidak dalam kehidupan sesungguhnya. Respon kita pada proses, itu yang akan menentukan kehidupan seperti apa yang terjadi di depan. Dan hari ini aku belajar banyak dari sesuatu yang sederhana, dari orang yang tak terlalu kukenal, dan dari jauh, dari tangga sebuah gereja. Ya, aku tak mendapat bangku, jadi aku duduk di tangga di luar ruangan tempat ibadah sesungguhnya sedang berlangsung, mencoba menyelami ibadah dengan bantuan layar plasma dan suara speaker yang kadang ada kadang tiada... Well, aku tidak bersedih untuk itu, aku percaya setia dalam perkara kecil akan diberikan perkara besar, setia di tangga, suatu hari akan naik ke panggung... Lohhh? Bukan berarti aku mau setia di tangga... Perut yang bermasalah membuatku harus puas duduk di tangga untuk pertama kalinya dalam sejarah aku mengunjungi gereja yang selalu penuh sesak ini...

Tapi cukup tentang mengapa aku duduk di tangga. Mari kita ke masalah utama. Alasan utama aku menulis tulisan ini. Pesan yang disampaikan Pastor sangat bagus, tapi justru 4 menit terakhir yang paling menyentuh hatiku. Yaitu waktu aku melihat video rekaman saat Sidney Mohede bersanding dengan Israel Houghton di panggung akbar Hillsong Conference. Video itu sukses membangkitkan kembali adrenalin di dalam hasratku. Jika kamu belum pernah mendengar tentang dia, Israel Houghton adalah seorang peraih Grammy Award, salah satu penyanyi gospel terbaik di jaman ini. Dan sekilas aku ingin kalian tahu, bahwa dia pun bermula dari masa lalu yang tak dapat dibanggakan... Tapi dia (Tuhan sebenarnya, dia hanya 'follow the plan and the guidance of the Planner') mengubah masa lalu menjadi masa depan penuh harapan... Dan kemuliaan bagi Tuhan. Lalu selanjutnya, aku berharap kalian sudah kenal Sidney Mohede... Salah satu tokoh musisi rohani Indonesia yang semakin populer saat ini. Tidak banyak yang aku tahu tentang dia, meski demikian, aku banyak mendengar tentang ketekunannya dalam berkarya bagi Tuhan. Bahkan menurut cerita seorang kawan, ketika yang lain mulai menyerah, Sidney tidak. Aku sendiri sebenarnya pernah melihat dia sekali di kota Surabaya, sebelum ia setenar sekarang, dan yang kutangkap saat itu adalah kerendahan hatinya... Dan itu masih kulihat sampai sekarang... Aku percaya itu juga yang membawanya kepada kehidupan yang 'sebesar' sekarang, sebagai penyanyi rohani Indonesia, dapat berdiri sepanggung dengan idola kebanyakan penyanyi rohani Indonesia, dan bahkan menyanyi bersama peraih penghargaan Grammy ini... Membuatku ingin berteriak keras-keras... Sidney, seeing how God lifts you up, I bet you are the next Grammy Award winner!

Sekali lagi, kehidupan yang 'besar' itu tak hanya akan terjadi pada seorang Sidney Mohede, karena Ia telah merancangnya bagi kita semua, dalam porsi, kesempatan, dan waktu yang berbeda. Tetapi arahnya sama. Ke atas. Ke atas berarti terus naik dan bukan turun, ke atas juga berarti, apapun kehidupan itu, hanya diperuntukkan bagi kemuliaanNya.

Namun belajar dari Sidney Mohede, ada satu hal yang pasti dibutuhkan dalam perjalanan kita mencapai kehidupan yang 'besar' itu.... Dan itu adalah kesetiaan. Sidney setia ketika ia belum menjadi siapa-siapa, ia setia ketika popularitasnya meningkat tajam, sehingga ia menjadi salah satu selebritis Kristen paling dipuja di Indonesia, ia setia ketika Tuhan meletakkan dia di atas sebagai pemimpin, dia setia ketika Tuhan mulai membawa popularitasnya melampaui Indonesia. Ia setia, waktu ia telah dikenal oleh beberapa musisi kelas dunia. Dan karena ia setia, ia dibawa terus naik, melebar, semakin dalam, semakin besar.

Selanjutnya, kesetiaan hanya dapat diuji dengan waktu... Aku bertemu pertama dengan Sidney mungkin sekitar 10 tahun yang lalu... Dan aku mengagumi kesetiaannya hingga saat ini. Melalui masa-masa yang sulit, ia tetap setia kepada Tuhan. Kesetiaan yang teruji dengan waktu ini sama dengan kesetiaan Daud mulai dari ketika ia menerima janji Allah bahwa ia akan menjadi raja atas Israel, sampai ia benar-benar menjadi raja atas Israel, yang mana itu memakan waktu yang tidak sebentar. Dan dalam waktu tersebut, ia harus menghadapi hidup yang bagai mimpi buruk. Dikejar-kejar untuk dibunuh oleh Saul salah satunya, bukan kehidupan yang ia harapkan sebagai calon raja. Tapi toh Daud setia... Kesetiaan yang sama juga ada pada Yusuf, sejak dari ia menerima mimpi hingga waktu Ia boleh benar-benar menghidupi mimpi tersebut, makan waktu yang sangat panjang dan melelahkan, serta proses yang mungkin membuatnya berpikir lebih baik mati di sumur waktu itu... Ketika kakak-kakaknya membuang dia. Tapi Yusuf setia, dan Ia pun mendapat anugerah atas kesetiaannya. 'Kebesaran' yang jauh lebih besar dari yang dapat ia bayangkan.

Jadi? Tidak sulit kan untuk mencapai kehidupan yang 'besar'. Hanya butuh satu hal yang harus kita lakukan terus menerus tanpa henti, kesetiaan. Setia pada Bapa yang telah berencana, setia pada apapun yang telah dipercayakan kepada kita untuk kita lakukan sekarang, setia pada waktu yang disediakan bagi kita. Jangan mencari jalan pintas yang tak bertanggung jawab, jangan mencari mesin waktu. Nikmati saja prosesnya. Dan belajarlah untuk setia, hanya itu... Mudah kan...? Aku bohong. Itu sulitnya minta ampun. Aku mengalaminya. Dan aku berkali-kali menyatakan aku menyerah. Tidak sanggup. Mau mundur saja. Tapi satu hal menohokku hari ini... Sebuah video amatir yang memperlihatkan bagaimana Sidney Mohede tampil bersama Israel Houghton di atas panggung internasional Hillsong Conference. Hari ini juga aku mencabut semua kata-kata menyerah yang pernah aku ucapkan. Karena aku percaya, aku sedang berada di jalan menuju kehidupan yang besar seperti Sidney Mohede. Dan tidak ada alasan untuk menyerah. Aku memiliki Tuhan yang besar. Dan aku sudah setengah jalan. Aku tidak dapat kembali ke titik awal. Yang bisa aku lakukan hanya maju terus dengan setia. Suatu hari kehidupan yang besar itu akan tiba tepat di depan bola mataku. Ya, aku tahu, jalan yang harus kulalui ke sana mungkin berkerikil, naik, turun, berlubang bahkan, dan sepertinya banyak rambu-rambu yang menipu. Juga banyak sekali casino yang menggoda kita untuk berhenti dan bermain-main, mempertaruhkan segala sesuatu yang telah kita kumpulkan sehingga kita harus mulai dari nol lagi...(Jangan masuk ke casino-casino itu!). Tapi ada satu kendaraan yang akan membuatku dapat melalui jalan itu, namanya kesetiaan. Tetaplah setia seperti Daud, Yusuf, dan Sidney. Dan siap-siap dikejutkan dengan sebuah kehidupan yang besar!

Ketika kita tidak setia, Tuhan setia. Ketika kita setia, Tuhan jauh lebih dari setia. Ia mewujudkan impian kita.

The Little White Pig and The New Farm.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Selasa, Juni 22, 2010 08.22

Little White Pig : Hi God…
God : Oh hi, my little white pig… How are you? Are you doin’ fine?
Little White Pig : yeah, I think so… It’s been quite long since I really have a conversation with You. I’m sorry..
God : You are forgiven. See, piggy, I know you’ve been busy. I guess it’s good to be busy, rather than have nothing to do. But…
Little White Pig : But…?
God : But, no matter how busy you are. Don’t forget your priority.
Little White Pig : Ya, I know… Sometimes I forget my priority.
God : Yup, like talking to me, no matter small things or big things, it doesn’t matter. What matters to me is meeting you. You are my daughter you know. I can’t imagine one day not seeing you… or hearing your voice.
Little White Pig : Wow, you are a very romantic person…
God : Of course! I create romance…
Little White Pig : Thank You God.
God : What for?
Little White Pig : For everything. For a life. A good one actually. And when I say good it doesn’t mean easy, but it’s good.
God : Nothing is easy. But everything is possible… remember? You have me.
Little White Pig : Yup! That I know for sure.
God : Thank God.Oh I mean, thank Me.

Little White Pig : Hahaha, ya thank You. And God thank You for another new farm for me. It’s big and fine place to stay. Though I’m a bit unsure of how long this place would stand. I can’t see anything yet. But I know I will be safe with you. You have provided me with a life I can be proud of. I know I haven’t seen it all. But I will. I know I will. Your promises never fail. What You say is what You do. I don’t know when. And actually, I have no idea how. But I know it will happen. I just have to be patient, and strong, and trustworthy for You to use me.

God : Piggy, I can see that you are strong enough to wait. Remember what your Papa Bear said few days ago right, I can make anything happen, and I will, for my promises are true. But if I make it all happen now, are you sure you can handle it all right like the way we want it? That’s most important. To handle it right. I want you to be ready. And I’m serious about this. You don’t need to worry, when the time comes, everything will be added to you. Every single thing. You have my word. You know you do.

Little White Pig : Yes God! Please guide me through it. I need You.
God : Everything will be alright dear… I am God. What could possibly happen to a daughter of God?! I bet, only the good things. Only the good things will happen to my children.

Little White Pig : Alright! You’re the Man, God! You’re the Man! I am really happy I can talk to You today.

God : Talk to me every day. I will be right here waiting for you.
Little White Pig : Is that a song?
God : Yeah well, I made it in Heaven, but then I want you to sing it too. So I told Bryan the song, it’s Bryan right? his name? son of Adams?
Little White Pig : Yeah, hahaha, I think so. OK then, I’ll see You soon, God. I will miss You during the day.
God : I will always be with you. Just talk to me in your heart. I’ll hear every word you said.

Little White Pig : Thank You. Bye…
God : Be good. IBU.
Little White Pig : What’s that? IBU?
God : I bless you. ha ha ha… You guys like abbreviations right. GBU, JBU…
Little White PIg : ha ha ha thank you God. See you soon.

The Little White Pig on The Sunny Side of The Street.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie 08.18

This is the latest conversation between God and The Little White Pig.
The Little White Pig: God…
God: Yes dear?
The Little White Pig: Thank you…
God: Anytime…
The Little White Pig: I’m free now…
God: A promise is a promise. You know that I never make a fake promise, right?
The Little White Pig: Yup! You have never forsaken me. Never! You are my God, my Defender.
God: As always…
The Little White Pig: You never let me fall down. You are always there. When people left, when my family can’t do anything to help, when I thought I’m nobody and have nobody… I have You.
God: You are the apple of My eyes…
The Little White Pig: Now I know… That there’s no such thing as coincidence… You’ve planned everything, every small part in my life, is a start of something big in the future.
God: Coz when you are with me in small things, I will give you big things… That’s an international, multidimensional, and irrational promise that will not fade through time…
The Little White Pig: What’s with the -nal ends?
God: I like rhymes…. don’t you….
The Little White Pig: O… okay… me too… Actually I got a poem for you…
God: Oh wow… very nice of you… I want to hear….
The Little White Pig: Oh, okay, I hope you like it… It goes like this…

There’s one man in this life
Who will always love me
For whatever I am
‘Till eternity.

He never asked me
To wear skirt or pants
or to keep
all that beauty sense

He don’t even care
About my hair

Whether it’s short or long
He only say
To you I belong….

God:….
The Little White Pig: God? Are You alright?
God: It’s beautiful…
The Little White Pig: Hey God, I believe, more and more people will write more poetries for You… more poems, more songs, more musics, more books, more screen plays…
God: Well looking forward to it, dear… You know that I will be there when those things happen right…?
The Little White Pig: Sure! Anyway God, thanks a lot for the new farm… It’s a great farm. I learned so many new things here… And they are great people too…
God: Of course… no sweat… but there are more great things waiting to be revealed… in your life….
The Little White Pig: Wooow? Are You Sure? I mean like like like like like really sure?
God: Yup. 1000%. Guaranteed by Me.
The Little White Pig: Thanks God… I owe You like like like like like more than life….
God: You owe me nothing… You are Mine, and I am yours.
The Little White Pig: Thank You…
God: But remember… You have to know who you are, and where you came from okay? You are the princess of My Kingdom, so you have to spread the Kingdom, don’t destroy it.
The Little White Pig: Oh, Okay God… I will remember that. It’s a quite challenging thing indeed, You know, The new farm… It’s like… very very earthy… but well I think I can do it…
God: You can. As long as you keep yourself strong.
The Little White Pig: Okay! I will try my best! Okay, God, I’ll talk to You later okay… So many things to tell…. So little time…
God: I will always have the time…
The Little White Pig: Right, You can do all things in the same time right?
God: Ha ha ha, yup, I can make the sun shines bright in Europe while the rain falls roughly in Asia. It depends on my mood (kidding!). Depends on My grace…
The Little White Pig: Cool! that’s awesome!! Can I do that? (of course not…). Okay then, my God of grace, see You soon….
God: See you dear! Call me…
The Little White Pig: Will do! Bye….:)

The Little White Pig and The World.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie 08.16

After a long conversation with God, The Little White Pig is getting stronger. And some of her college friends was very thoughtful that they care a lot to the piggy and give piggy good advices. Piggy were very thankful of having them as good friends. Some of ugly and beautiful things happened this month has made piggy think and think… and think…. and think… You know, the world is so strange, God is too unique, and human beings (the piggy thinks she’s human), are just in between. Hate this world a lot, but not ready to go to heaven yet. How come? So many questions. So simple answers. Piggy know that God loves surprises, but sometimes it’s hard to wait. piggy is always on rush. She wants everything, every good things promised to her, happened as quickly as possible. She thinks faster is better. Everybody does huh? Be patient piggy.

The Little White Pig and God

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie 08.14

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The Little White Pig and The Exhausting Farm

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie 08.05

It’s just another episode of the little white pig’s life in her new farm. She was so exhausted yesterday, and few days before yesterday, and also… some more days before that few days. Let’s just say… she was exhausted for almost every day of her life, living in this bloody vexatious farm.
For that unexpected burden, the little white pig cried out loud yesterday. She thought she can’t handle it. It’s too heavy… It’s too big… It’s too fast-too furious… And to whom it may concern, she’s still a little pig. But people see her as a big black gorilla… O come on… don’t even think that way.. no, that way! …yup! that way!….such a fool metaphor…
But the little white pig got a nice consolation when she opened her friendster (by the grace of the Lord the farmers are not there…), the day after yesterday… which means today. She found such a supportive comment from Mr. Kind Zzzebra. The little white piggy just want to say thank you to Mr. Kind Zzzebra for his different kind of view of her being in this complicated farm. She is touched and got stronger. She Felt better. Though that ugly squeezing feeling is still there. It hasn’t gone yet. Mr. Kind Zzzebra was right. It’s the real world. Maybe what the piggy needs is just a little more time. to suit this farm. The piggy hopes that after quite some time she will understand the good point of being in this farm. Thank you Mr. Kind Zzzebra.

The Little White Pig and The Blue Sky Bunny

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie 08.00

The little white pig used to have a very best friend back in the college. She was a blue sky bunny. No, not again. Don’t ask me why the bunny gone blue. It came out of nowhere. Maybe because she’s a calm, yet also a very tough bunny. The blue bunny was a mentor in a college tutorial that piggy joined that year. Well, the tutorial was not fun. But the blue bunny has become such a sister to piggy. Since the first time the little white pig knew she has some sort of connection with this bunny. She was a young and smart college student. She was very supportive to piggy in many kinds. She even crashed her car for piggy sake. For things happened, piggy was so thankful to the Lord that she ever had a friend like bunny.

But things are slightly different now. The little white pig can only see her by coincidence. Or if God said so. It’s hard to catch up with her now. The piggy don’t understand what’s wrong with the bunny. They used to spend most of their days together, but now it’s just a matter of presents and goodies that came by her name. The little white pig is so sad and empty. It feels like losing her own sister. Piggy can’t even hear her voice or read her messages again. Slowly but sure, she’s disappearing from the little piggy’s life.
Maybe the blue bunny has new friends now. New surroundings. Maybe, it’s been too hectic to worry about so many things and people. But the piggy knows that she’s still there, somehow. There, in the deepest mind. There, on the same spot where the little piggy left. She is there… And it’s just the piggy’s fancy delusion that… someday… in another part of this life, the little white pig could have more of those precious moments with the blue bunny, all over again.

The Story of The Little White Pig

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie 07.51

Once upon a sophisticated time, there was a little white pig. Where can you find a white pig? Well it just came out of my mind, so don’t ask me where can you find the little white pig. Just imagine a pig, okay, you got it, got it, okay, now change the color, she’s not pink, no, no don’t color the pig pink, now… let’s give a beautiful white color to the pig.. Okay, now you’re on my delusion. nice….

The little white pig by the way, is not just not an ordinary pig. She’s a very pretty one. her skin was so clean and tidy. And she hates dirty places. Just don’t imagine her playing with muds. No, no, no, get it out from your freakin’ mind. she loves being white. She loves her not-so-smooth white skin. So let’s not make her muddy today. Maybe you can just imagine her wearing a skirt. Or a lovely white gown. So that is nice… Now the pig is also a princess.

And, back to where we were, about the little white pig… Yes, I’ m thinking of a name… but I can’t find any suitable name for now… Do you have one? Just tell me when you know a cute name for her. Now, let’s just call her as it was. The Little White Pig. She lives in a very beautiful farm… A very neat and beautiful farm. It has been quite a month since she came into this small and peaceful-like farm. Her simple brain thinks this is the farm she has been wanting for long… Everything is best here. The facilities is all white just like she wanted to be (It’s so her!), the barn is could be either warm or cool just a matter of asking, and of course the library of knowledge is outrageous. Pigs also need to learn you know, not just human. Sometimes even a white pig could be smarter then human beings. Because she’s not just a pig. She’s more.

Well about the farm… It’s tremendous. Inside out. And you know what, she’s not alone in there. There are some other nice animals around her. A bearded hippo, a cute little bird that sounds funny, a monkey that learns to be a great ape, a metropolitan gorilla, and more fun animals that hail the piggy as their amusing newcomer.

But the little white pig doesn’t feel too great about the farmers. Something is just not right, she assumes. Well, let’s see what the piggy thinks about them. They seem to be nice and supportable. They like to teach you many things. And sometimes they make jokes that don’t spend too much of your energy cause you don’t need to laugh. For it’s not funny at all. And so on.. But something different from the old place piggy used to live. Freedom. There’s no freedom in this stunning place. There’s just work… and work… and work. The little white pig has to work 9 to 5 for the best of this farm with just an hour corruption to do lunch. Piggy called it corruption because she feel doing lunch is like committing a crime. Piggy only know that she has to work, and keep doing that for seven ugly hours. I guess the little white pig has gone scraggy by now. The farmers also don’t like to see their animals having a break. They really love to see those mammals and birds work, work, and work. Seeing their animals getting sweaty is an irreplaceable satisfaction. Again, The animals are not allowed to see the outside world, even from the "window". They are allowed to speak but not allowed to chat along, even if it’s just for the sake of socialization, for bloody ten minutes. Well of course the little white pig has a problem with this rules. Because she can’t be a quiet nerdy little white pig. Well, she can be quiet, but she can’t stand of not socializing to the other animals. Much worse because her spot is at the corner of the barn. It’s like the edge of the world in this solitary barn. So she won’t be able to hear what are the other animals talking about. What’s the latest topic in today’s discussion, is just a faint whispers in the piggy’s ear. Goodness!! Whispered the little white pig to her very own piece of mind. She feels like holding her breath here in the barn. She can barely move, for some movement could be a felony.

Now she finally understand what was really meant by that offensive proverb: "A bird in a golden cage" yeah right… she is now living in a gold… or maybe.. a diamond cage. But wether it’s a silver or gold, a diamond or an iron, it will still be a cage…

It’s just a matter of time… and opportunity to get her out of this farm.
But for now, the little white pig knows what to do. Learn as much as she can. Enjoy every experience. Collect and use all free things inside. Use all the free but forbidden things while none of the farmers around. Just have fun! And in time, searching for other beautiful farm that is not a cage.

How To Survive an Ugly Breakup.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Jumat, Juni 18, 2010 03.50

So here's the thing about love... It's not easy to let go... I repeat, not easy people, not easy... Been there, done that. Believe me, it felt just like a drug addiction. Maybe even worse than drug addiction. Well, please don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that you better have a drug addiction. I'm just saying... It's hard, and it will need a serious attention. And one heck of a serious handling too. Because once we quit the relationship, we will have to go through a painful withdrawal condition: we really want it, but we can't have it. We really want him/ her, but we can't have him/ her. And that condition will be marked (I assure you it will...) with tons of hallucinations and bad dreams, lots of midnight groans and pity cries, the feeling of incomplete, hours (and sometimes could be 'days' or 'months') of daydreaming and blankness... not to mention many other serious illness that may surface, only because we want to get rid of the sweet unforgettable memories of the one we love...

Well, my simple suggestion is, don't give up. Trust me, you can do it. It's not that bad. It looks damn bad. But actually, it's not. It just looks that way, which lead you to my other simple suggestion, do not believe what you see... ^-^... Just have a determined heart and mind that you want all of these ugly feelings over, and that you want to move on with your life. We will talk more about that determination and other ways of treatment later, but for now, let's focus on the post-relationship conditions. Because, like always, you need to know the conditions in order to find the cure.

First of all, It will start with... Cries... Pity cries, followed by the most popular question of desperation: 'why??!!' or 'why me?' Or 'Why God, why??' That's a normal reaction of an ugly break up. It's OK. Do not be ashamed of it. Everybody has that question. Often with no particular answer. I mean, certainly, God will not answer it, right. He'd be exhausted. Too many people are asking the same question nowadays. And because you're the one who ask that question, I can assume, that you also don't know the answer... So the point here is not to find the answer, but to accept, that there might be no answer at all... That these things happen, all the time, to almost all people. Yes, it happens for a reason, but you just don't know it yet, and you don't need to know it now. So popped the question, yes, but don't expect the answer. Just let it go. Let it flow. That way, you will be free from the need of knowing why. Because that need is killing you. And it will kill you sooner or later if you don't stop trying to find an answer, which is usually by making false assumption of yourself and your lover, and life, and more often, of God. Why?? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not kind enough? Did I make mistake? Maybe He just don't love me anymore. Maybe God don't want me to be happy. Believe me, all of your false assumptions are often.. false! And it won't make you feel better. It just makes you feel worse, even worst. Those self pity thoughts are poisonous, do not hear it, or be influenced by it. Just accept and realize that these things happen, and sometimes, it is not your fault. Or even if you did make a mistake, it is not the main reason of your break up.

This also conclude the first thing you must have, after an ugly end of your relationship: an acceptance. Accept the situation. Accept the failure. Consider it as a part of life. And if you do really need an answer to the question 'why', please do not answer it with a negative statement like all of those above. Instead, try to answer it generally with a positive statement. For example: why is this happening to me? Well, because God has better plans for me. Because I deserve better. Things like that. It will make you feel a lot better. Don't pity yourself with all those negative statements. Be thankful though, that you are still alive and well. And you will survive. No matter what. You will. No matter what, you will come out as a winner. Trust me. But more than anything, trust yourself. You can do it.

Some people will have more than self pity, some will have anger. Lots of anger. Uncontrollable anger. Let's face it. Break up makes you angry. I describe anger as a form of reaction of an unsatisfactory in life. And I am positive that break up is not a satisfying condition.

So you are angry now. What would you do? Break stuffs? Kill a cat? Yell at people? Hit the walls with bare hands? Hurt yourself? Hey, I did all that during my ugly break up, except to kill a cat, of course, cause I can't find one. And you know what, frankly, it did make me feel a bit better, BUT (that’s a capital ‘but’ here..) it didn't make my life better, even a tiny tiny bit. We were still breaking up, things are still bad between us, and he's not coming back. And I got a swollen and bleeding left hand that I am not proud of. You know, I can still see some darker colored spots near the knuckles of my hand, reminds me that it has been wounded before because of a silly silly thing that I did a long time ago.

So I'm not telling you not to be angry, the situations are so bad that you deserve to feel irritated and offended by it. Instead, do be angry, but do not lose control. The Bible has a really good way of coping with anger. It says, something like this (I try to make my own version of it): When you're angry, get into your room and lock it, stay there until you're calmed down. And it certainly didn't say, while you're there, break any stuffs you can find. And it also didn't say hurt yourself repeatedly. The one thing I would suggest is scream as loud as you can. But don't lose it. Cause you won't want to lose your voice just for an ugly break up.
So once again, do be angry, it helps, BUT (it's that capital but again...) do not lose control.

And for the next worst thing come these hallucinations and bad dreams, and hours (up until 'days') of daydreaming and blankness. It’s understandable because yes, something precious, or someone, is taken away from you. So suddenly you feel empty, incomplete, inside out. You feel like an empty room without a single furniture... Lame, and again...empty... Well, again, I truly understand your feelings. It's alright to feel that way for sometime. It's perfectly normal. It’s just another phase that you must go through in order to be cured from all of your pain. But you must realize that you can't keep yourself in this phase too long. Don’t keep indulging yourself with this empty and incomplete feelings because it will only make you suffer more, that it will be much harder to forget everything in order to move on with your life.

The point is, this phase must happen, but the total control is in your hand, when and how long will you need to have it. In this phase (and actually all the other phases before it), you have the power to say “enough!”. Look, the first and second month after break up are the most crucial times, it’s the right time to be broken. You are allowed to be. People will totally understand. They will come and hug you, and stay by your side and if you’re lucky, they will cry with you. But after two months, dude, it would be just a waste of time. Even the loveliest friend you have will get bored. Believe me, I’ve been in this phase. The longer I stay in this phase, the harder to get out from it. Plus, my friends are getting numb… So, my personal and professional advice to you would be: I understand how you feel, but please, just get back on your feet and face it. Yes, reality sucks. Don’t blame yourself. No way you could bring him or her back. Nothing you can do could fix it. Face it. It’s gone. It’s just a sweet memory now. Remember it, cherish it, but leave it behind. Even how hard you try to remember every beautiful moment you had, it doesn’t belong in the future, because it’s the past. Let the future writes its own beautiful moments, and believe me, it will be a lot more beautiful than the beauty of the past.

See the bright side. Look outside, the sun is still shining bright. The world hasn’t ended yet. You still have so many good things in life you should be thankful of. Wonderful family, amazing friends, good career, and yourself, a nice and talented person inside you. Don’t waste it. Be proud of it. Be thankful of everything. Then wake up and go on with your life. You still have so much great things ahead, waiting to happen.

Okay, here’s the best way to cope with your feelings in times like this. It’s quite a simple idea really. You feel empty, right? Like a room without furniture (OK it sounds kind of sad, so this would be the last time I say it that way). So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is: fill your empty room with new furniture! Find some ‘new stuffs’, some good stuffs to put in your ‘room’. Fill yourself with new people, new friends, new activities that can help you think about anything else besides your own problem. Help other people in need. The most important thing is don’t let yourself be alone. Make everyday packed with lots of activities and friends. It helps. And it’s the best medicine. In my case, I read new books, watched a lot of comedy movies that can make me laugh at life, I wrote a lot, and believe it or not, I sang and danced by myself! I don’t care, I just want to make me feel better. I went shopping, met some old friends of mine, met some new friends, ate some delicious foods, buy something I’ve been wanting to buy… and all that made me feel a lot better. Maybe you should try it. Or just try something else. Do things you’ve been wanting to do for so long, things you haven’t got the chance to do before. Buy things you really want, spend some money. Free yourself. And you shall be free from your pain.

So, come on…. It’s just a guy…. Or a girl… (Man, I know how hard it is to think that way, even until now, I am still asking all those ‘why’ questions…). But… you’ll find a better one. I promise you, you will. My point is, don’t rush yourself saying he or she is the one. You don’t know it yet. You haven’t met half a million people living in this earth. And the good news is, you will still be alive and well without him or her. Have fun, enjoy your life, and find a new life with someone new.

The Waiting Room.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Kamis, Juni 17, 2010 09.38

Kapan terakhir kali aku ‘mendengar’ keheningan yang seperti ini…? Begitu tenang… begitu ringan…. Ah…sudah lama aku tak merasakan ketentraman yang kurasakan sekarang. Saat hanya ada aku dan kedamaian. Dan itu saja. Tak ada beban, tak ada keramaian yang meyesakkan. Tak ada suara dering telepon yang mengangguku dengan sejuta tuntutan. Wow… I forget how sweet is the sound of silence… Betapa merdunya suara keheningan ini… Saat suara-suara hanya melambai dari kejauhan. Saat musik swing jazz itu mengalun perlahan dalam harmoni yang lembut… membuat hatiku ingin berayun mengikuti irama yang indah… benar-benar kedamaian yang tak terkatakan… Tapi, sebentar… musik Jazz? Di mana kah aku?

Perlahan aku membuka mata… Samar-samar mataku mengumpulkan cahaya sekitar dan mulai mencari refleksi-refleksi informasi. Aku sedang terbaring di sebuah sofa merah yang sangat nyaman, di dalam sebuah ruangan putih yang luas dan tak berujung. Aku masih mengenakan pakaian kemarin… dan itu hanya berarti aku belum mandi… Dan bahwa aku belum pulang ke rumah… Karena tak mungkin aku bertahan dengan pakaian kerja selewat jam kerja. Sungguh sangat tidak biasanya. Tapi aneh, seingatku, kemarin aku tengah dalam perjalanan pulang….

Di manakah aku? Sepertinya itu pertanyaan yang lebih tepat. Aku mencoba melemparkan pandangan dan berusaha memahami di mana dan sedang apa aku di sini. Walaupun, tidak ada perasaan takut atau khawatir, hanya ada rasa damai yang menyejukkan hati. Dan sepertinya, damai itu berniat untuk tinggal selamanya di dalam hatiku.
Lalu… tak seberapa lama aku memandang sekeliling, mataku pun melihat dia, seorang laki-laki yang tampan, dan sepertinya sudah cukup lama ia duduk di sebelah sofa tempat aku berbaring.

“Hai…” Sapanya lembut… “Namaku Gaby…” sambut laki-laki ini. Aku berusaha mengamati dia, dari atas ke bawah, seperti yang biasa kulakukan terhadap semua orang. Ia bersetelan jas abu-abu, dengan sebuah dasi merah marun tergantung manis di lehernya. Rambutnya kecoklatan dan terpangkas rapi, matanya biru. Benar-benar tampan….

“Terima kasih…” katanya sambil mengedipkan sebelah matanya padaku… aku heran…

“H…hai….” Aku terpatah-patah…. Mungkin karena ia terlalu tampan…. Atau memang aku terlalu heran… di mana aku sebenarnya??

“Selamat datang di Surga…” katanya lagi dengan senyuman yang paling mempesona yang pernah kulihat.

“S…S…Surga?” O my God…. Aku sudah mati…. Hatiku pun sedikit menyesal…

“Belum… kamu belum mati….? Sebenarnya ini hanyalah ruang tunggu Surga… Kamu di sini karena suatu maksud…”

“Oh… belum..” Aku menghela napas lega… “Anda membaca pikiranku?” Tanyaku…

“Pretty much yes… “ Jawabnya sambil tertawa kecil… “Bagaimana perasaanmu?” tanyanya lagi.

“Ah Anda bercanda…. Tentu Anda sudah tau bagaimana perasaanku.” Jawabku sedikit ketus… Buat apa bertanya jika ia memang dapat membaca pikiran…

“Hahaha, yaaaa aku hanya berusaha bersikap sopan…” Katanya lagi.

“Aku bingung…” Aku mencoba mencari penjelasan darinya. Ia tersenyum menenangkan.

“Kamu kemarin mengalami sebuah kecelakaan yang cukup dahsyat… Terlalu banyak yang kamu pikirkan, sehingga kamu berjalan pulang dengan hati yang bimbang, kamu tak waspada saat menyeberang jalan…”

“Oh… my God….” Aku tak dapat berkata-kata… Sepertinya memang aku benar-benar berada di ruang tunggu Surga… sedang menunggu giliran untuk masuk ke sana dan selamanya meninggalkan dunia… Ini benar-benar saat yang tepat untuk mengatakan: tamatlah riwayatku!

“Hahahaha…. You got a great sense of humor…” Tukasnya sambil tertawa… Ia lalu mengambil sesuatu dari kantong celananya.

“IPhone 4?!!” Aku berseru kecil…Aku benar-benar terkejut… Apa benar ini Surga?

“Hahaha, tentu saja, kau pikir Surga hanya menyimpan lukisan Leonardo Da Vinci? Kami mengikuti trend kok… Aku baru mendapatkannya tadi pagi… Kami sangat terbantu dengan alat-alat ini. Apalagi Ipad… bagus sekali… sekarang semua memakainya saat praise and worship…”

Aku tak dapat berkata-kata…

“Sebentar..” katanya… ia pun memainkan ujung jarinya pada layar Iphone dambaanku itu dan lalu berpaling kepadaku lagi.

“Tuhan ingin menyampaikan sesuatu kepadamu…” ulas Gaby lembut.

“Ia mengasihimu… apapun yang terjadi, Ia tetap mengasihimu. Semua orang boleh bilang apa yang mereka mau bilang tentang kamu, tapi itu tidak akan mengubah pendapat Tuhan tentang kamu. Bagi Dia, kamu tetap “kepala jeruk” kesayanganNya…” ujar Gaby sambil menyentuh kepalaku lembut. Aku menitikkan air mata. “Kepala jeruk” adalah panggilan sayang keluargaku kepadaku….

Aku memang sedang merasa sendirian saat-saat ini, pikiranku kalut. Lalu aku memutuskan untuk menjerumuskan diri ke dalam pekerjaan yang malah dengan sukses memakanku hidup-hidup. Aku jadi tak sempat berpikir dengan kepala yang jernih. Terlalu banyak tekanan, terlalu banyak tuntutan, terlalu banyak masalah yang tak terselesaikan.

“Penyesalan, itu masalahmu, terlalu banyak penyesalan, bagaimana kamu menikmati hidup, jika kamu selalu dibayangi masa lalu?” Gaby mulai memasang wajah serius. “Hari-hari ini kamu terus teringat akan kesalahan-kesalahan yang telah kamu lakukan puluhan tahun yang lalu. Kesalahan-kesalahan yang telah berkarat karena waktu. Seperti misalnya, ketika kamu melakukan kesalahan pada orang yang kau sayangi, karena kau tak menolongnya saat ia benar-benar membutuhkan pertolonganmu.”

“Iya….” Jawabku lirih… aku harus menahan air mata agar tak semakin membanjir…

“Aku sudah mengampunimu anakKu, kata Tuhan, bahkan sejak sebelum kamu memintanya dariKu, Aku telah mengampunimu” Gaby mengutip… Tangisku pun tak tertahankan…

“Kau tak percaya? Nih, lihat, Tuhan baru saja mengirim sms…” Ia menunjukkan layar Iphone-nya kepadaku… Aku tertawa dan menangis bersamaan…

“Hari-hari ini… kau juga diingatkan oleh masa-masa di mana orang yang kau sayangi tersakiti, dan kau tak dapat berbuat apa-apa… Dan pada masa-masa tertentu, kau memang masih terlalu kecil untuk melawan mereka yang menyakiti orang yang kau sayangi…” kata Gaby perlahan, tapi pasti. Lalu ia pun menambahkan…

“Ada hal-hal yang di luar kendali kamu, anakKu, tapi tidak pernah di luar kendaliKu. Kamu tidak bersalah apa-apa… Dan terkadang memang tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa selain berdoa. Ada hal-hal yang memang harus terjadi. Tetapi percayalah semuanya pasti akan membawa kebaikan di masa depan… begitu kata Tuhan…” Gaby menjelaskan…

Aku menghela napas pertanda menyesal… menyesali semua yang tidak dapat kulakukan saat aku seharusnya melakukan sesuatu…

“Tidak ada yang dapat kamu lakukan saat itu, my dear… It has to happen, and it happened for good….” Gaby memelukku erat… air mataku membasahi setelan jas yang tampaknya mahal itu… “Menangislah, kalau menangis membuatmu melepaskan masa lalu, kalau menangis membuatmu melupakan kesalahan-kesalahan, kalau menangis dapat membuatmu memaafkan dirimu sendiri.” Ujar Gaby terharu…

“Sebentar, aku belum selesai…” Gaby mengambil nafas… “Yang ketiga, ini yang paling menyebalkan dari kamu…” Gaby memegangku agak keras dan kembali memasang ekspresi serius yang sedikit menakutkan itu.

“Hah? Aku?” Aku pura-pura tak bersalah…

“Semua penyesalan itu my dear, membuatmu takut menghadapi masa depan! Kamu jadi terlalu takut untuk mencoba. Kamu takut untuk gagal. Padahal, belum tentu kamu gagal. Actually, there’s a good chance that you will suceed, but only if you keep on trying… “

Aku terdiam…. Berpikir… berusaha mencerna apa yang ia katakan barusan.

“Seperti misalnya… kamu menyukai seseorang… ya kan…?” Gaby tersenyum penuh arti.

Aku tertunduk… wajahku memerah padam… Aku pura-pura mengusap tangis walau sebenarnya aku berusaha menutupi muka. Aku malu… ini perbincangan yang sangat pribadi lho sebenarnya…

“Katakan… kalau kamu memang suka, katakan… kenapa sih kamu harus bertahan, saat tak ada yang perlu kamu pertahankan? You have nothing to lose, dear, kalaupun kamu tidak mendapatkan dia, kamu pasti mendapatkan seseorang yang jauh lebih baik. Itu janji Tuhan. Tapi terkadang, dalam suatu masa dalam hidup, kamu harus ambil resiko. Dan menikmati debaran-debaran resiko itu. Itu yang namanya adrenalin, my friend! Dan itu yang namanya hidup! Saat adrenalin itu bergejolak, bukankah pada saat itu kamu merasa hidup?”

“Yeaah… tapi….” Aku ragu…

“Hey, wake up, my dear, wake up! Hidup ini cuma sekali. Percayalah padaku, kamu akan menyesal jika kamu tak pernah menyatakan perasaanmu kepada orang yang seharusnya mengetahui itu. Tuhan bahkan menyerahkan padaku untuk menasehati kamu soal perkara ini… Karena menurut Dia, aku ahlinya! Jadi, dengarlah nasihat dari seorang ahli, kamu akan menyesal, jika kamu memutuskan melewati hidup tanpa melakukan apa-apa…”

Aku bingung… dan yang lebih aneh lagi…. Aku percaya padanya… Ia benar… Aku memang menyukai seseorang, tetapi aku memutuskan untuk tidak melakukan apa-apa, karena terlalu takut untuk mencoba… Aku takut apa tanggapannya jika ia tahu aku suka… Apakah ia akan menjauh? Atau ia akan memandangku sebelah mata? Aaaah…. Aku takuuut….

“Ia tahu kamu istimewa, my dear… Ia pasti tahu… Ia bukan laki-laki bloon lainnya yang pernah kukenal… Gaby hanya berteman dengan laki-laki sejati… dan menurutku ia salah satunya kok… lagipula, percayalah, semua orang yang berhasil dalam hidupnya adalah orang-orang yang berani ambil resiko. Kalaupun ia tidak membalas perasaanmu… pasti akan ada seseorang yang lain yang mampu melihat cahaya yang terpancar dari wajahmu… dan dari hidupmu.” Gaby berkhotbah dengan yakin.

“Tapi… aku bahkan tak mengenal dia… kami hanya berpapasan beberapa kali… Aku di sini, dan dia di sana, kami dipisahkan oleh jarak, kesempatan, dan waktu… Aku tidak yakin Gabe, aku benar-benar tidak yakin…”

“Ya kalau begitu buatlah jarak, kesempatan, dan waktu! If there’s no way, you make a way!” bentaknya gemas pada keragu-raguan dalam hatiku.

“Yeaah… let me think about it…” aku beralasan.

“Don’t think, do! And remember what I said, wake up, my dear, wake up!”

Aku tersedak, pandanganku kabur, seluruh udara sekitar seperti ditarik dariku. Aku melesat cepat ke dalam labirin waktu, berkecepatan maksimum hingga 400 km/ jam, dan blar… ada sinar yang sangat terang di depanku, lalu aku dan segenap tubuhku dilempar jauh ke dalamnya, aku jatuh terpelanting ke atas sebuah tempat tidur… menyelinap masuk ke dalam tubuh penuh luka yang menyerupai aku. Aku tersadar dengan cepat, karena udara sekitarku belum kembali… Dadaku sesak memanggil O2…

“Dear…. My dear” Suara yang kukenal memanggilku lembut… itu… itu mama…. Aku berusaha membuka mata…

“M…Mama…” aku menjawab lirih… tapi lega… aku telah kembali… Aku…. Rasanya aku hidup sih… karena aku dapat merasakan remuknya tulang-tulang di tubuhku… Sakitnya luar biasa… Tapi entah mengapa aku seperti merindukan rasa sakit ini… bahkan aku bahagia menyambutnya… Karena itu berarti aku masih bernyawa…

“Dok…dokter, bagaimana anak saya… kok seperti sesak nafas gitu…?”

“Tidak apa-apa bu, ini berarti kesadarannya telah kembali… Ia akan baik-baik saja…” jawab seseorang berjas putih di sebelahku, dasi-nya merah marun… rambutnya coklat dan terpangkas rapi, tampan, dan bermata biru… tunggu….. sepertinya aku mengenal dia??

“Ga…Gab…..” Aku berusaha memanggil…

“Gabriel, nama saya Dokter Gabriel… ooh, kamu pasti melihat name tag saya ya… Wah bu, anak Anda sepertinya akan cepat pulih… Ia sudah dapat mengenali saya dengan baik…” ujar… dokter gadungan ini… Dia Gaby! Aku tahu dia Gaby….

“Iya ya dok… aduuuh syukurlah, saya sudah ekstra kawatir tadi…” Ujar mama dengan mata yang berseri… Ia lega karena aku baik-baik saja…

“My dear, cepat sehat ya, dan ingat… wake up!” kata Gaby tegas… mama bingung… aku mengerti… lalu ia membisikkkan beberapa kata ke telingaku… “karena mungkin kamu cuma punya hari ini… Lakukan apa yang harus kamu lakukan…” lalu Gaby berjalan meninggalkan aku dan mama, keluar dari kamar dan menghilang di kejauhan…. Aku terdiam… Aku bingung… jadi aku kembali ke dunia ini hanya sehari?? Jadi aku hanya diberi kesempatan hari ini?! Aaah betapa tidak adilnya dunia ini… Apa yang bisa kulakukan dalam sehari…? Tapi… aku tahu apa yang harus aku lakukan… at least, dalam semua kesempatan yang telah aku lewatkan, aku tidak akan melewatkan kesempatan yang terakhir. Karena toh, aku tak akan bertemu lagi dengannya…

“Ma….”

“Yes dear… eeh, pelan-pelan…” aku berusaha bangun dan melepas semua alat bantu medis yang membelit aku….

“Aku mau ke tempat Matthew…” Mama mengernyitkan kedua alis tanda tak mengerti… Ia tahu siapa Matthew… karena aku selalu menceritakan tentang dia sepulang kerja… Tapi yang ia tak mengerti adalah mengapa aku harus menemui orang itu sekarang… namun hari itu mama tak mengucap sepatah kata… Walau biasanya sejuta wejangan harus kuterima sebelum akhirnya aku memutuskan untuk tidak melakukan apa-apa karena aku sudah terlalu lelah mendengarkan semua wejangan itu. Tapi kali ini mama diam, membantuku melepas semua alat bantu yang menempel di tubuhku…. Aku heran… tulang-tulangku tak terasa begitu sakit lagi… Hanya tersisa nyeri-nyeri kecil. Aku pun berjalan, mengambil pakaianku dan melangkah pergi… sebelum berlari keluar, aku menoleh sejenak ke arah mama…

“Ma, mama tahu kalau aku menyayangi mama kan… aku akan segera kembali, aku hanya harus melakukan sesuatu yang seharusnya sudah ku lakukan sejak lama… aku harus mengatakannya ma, aku harus…”

Mama terharu, ia sedih dan bahagia…. Ia sedih karena aku harus pergi meninggalkan dia dalam kegundahan, tapi ia bahagia karena aku akhirnya berani melangkah ke depan dan menempuh segala resiko demi kebahagiaanku sendiri.

Aku berusaha berlari, tertatih-tatih tapi pasti… mama melepas kepergianku dengan bangga, sembari mengusap tangis sukacita… Aku terus berlari, dan berlari… lalu aku sadar, mungkin aku seharusnya naik taksi… lalu aku pun naik taksi…. Menyusuri jalan yang lengang karena ternyata hari itu masih pagi… hingga akhirnya aku pun tiba di kantor Matthew… lalu aku duduk… aku baru sadar… ia pasti belum datang… jadi untuk apa sebenarnya aku tadi lari-lari… ah, aku ingat… karena aku cuma punya sehari untuk hidup… Aku memang punya alasan untuk terburu-buru… Tapi bagus… bagus…benar-benar sempurna… aku harus cepat, tapi aku bahkan tak tahu nomor telepon pria yang aku suka, karena terlalu takut untuk bertanya… Jadi aku hanya bisa berdoa, agar ia datang lebih pagi ke kantor… karena aku sudah mengigil kedinginan, diliputi embun pagi yang membeku…

“Hai…?” sapa sebuah suara yang sangat kukenal… Suara yang selalu menabuh genderang di dalam hatiku…

“H…haiiii Matthew….hehehehe….” Aku tertawa… mengapa aku tertawa… aku tidak perlu tertawa, aku perlu mengatakan sesuatu… jadi ayooo kumpulkan kata-kata yang tepat… katakan… lalu pulang…. Masih banyak orang yang harus aku ucapkan selamat tinggal…

“Kok… kamu ada di sini….? Pagi-pagi begini?” ada tanda tanya besar pada wajah Matthew…
“Hehehe… kamu juga… kok ada di sini…?” Aku mulai tidak waras, ditanya malah balas bertanya….

“Well…. Kita bisa saling bertanya sampai siang nanti… tapi kayaknya itu bukan tujuan kamu ke sini kan…?” Jawabnya sembari tersenyum lembut… Senyum itu lah yang tak akan pernah dapat kulupakan… Ke alam baka sekalipun, akan kubawa fotomu Mattheeeww….

“A…Aku tahu….eehmm Ini mungkin terdengar aneh…” Aku memberanikan diri… sudah saatnya aku berbuat sesuatu… atau lebih tepatnya tinggal ini saatnya jika aku ingin melakukan sesuatu. Besok aku pasti sudah berjumpa dengan Gaby lagi… di ruang tunggu Surga…

“Matthew, aku suka kamu… Aku tidak peduli betapa aneh ini menurut kamu, karena aku mungkin tidak punya waktu lagi untuk mengkhawatirkan apa yang akan kamu katakan tentang aku, jadi lebih baik aku mengatakannya, daripada tidak sama sekali… Aku tahu kita tidak terlalu mengenal… Kita hanya berjumpa beberapa kali, dan kita hanya berpapasan dalam kesempatan… Tapi perasaanku tidak dapat kuingkari, bahwa dalam saat-saat yang singkat itu pun, aku terpesona olehmu dan tidak dapat melupakan kamu…. Aku tahu, dan aku minta maaf, jika aku terlalu tergesa-gesa, tapi aku berharap kamu mau makan malam denganku….”

Matthew terdiam, ia tersenyum-senyum sendiri, sembari menggaruk-garuk kening. Aku tahu, ini terdengar seperti hal yang sangat bodoh… Mungkin ini hal terbodoh yang pernah diusulkan oleh seorang wanita kepada seorang pria. Dan ini semua berkat usulan bagus dari Gaby… hebat! Tunggu sampai aku bertemu dengannya lagi.. real soon, Gabe…. Real soon…

“A…Aku tahu… ini hal yang bodoh…. Ah… Aku minta maaf… Aku tidak akan mengatakannya lagi…. Aku hanya ingin menyampaikan apa yang ingin kukatakan sejak lama, dan kamu mau berdiri di sini mendengar semua perkataan aneh ini, itu pun sudah cukup bagiku. A… Aku sebaiknya pergi… t… terima kasih ya…. Sampai kita jumpa lagi…” Aku menundukkan kepala dan melangkah pergi.

“Hey, tunggu dong… “ Ia menggaet tanganku cepat, pandangannya tajam, seperti ditembak pistol kaliber 35 rasanya… “Ayo kita makan malam….” Ujarnya tersenyum yakin… “Atau lebih tepatnya, ayo kita makan pagi saja sekarang…” ajak Matthew dengan wajah yang sumringah… Ia menyentuh lembut wajahku, lalu menggandeng tanganku, membawaku berlarian menjauhi gedung dan aktivitas keseharian yang bernama ‘kantor’. Alkisah pada hari itu… kami menghabiskan waktu bersama dari pagi hingga siang, dari siang hingga malam… kami berbincang, bercanda, berdiskusi tentang masalah-masalah serius… Sedikit berargumen mengenai beberapa topik politik… lalu bercanda lagi hingga sepertinya semua lelucon telah kami candakan. Aku tak menyangka, ternyata ia benar-benar humoris… seperti dugaanku… tetapi sayang, aku mungkin hanya dapat mendengarkan lelucon-leluconnya yang menggelitik itu hari ini, dan hanya hari ini… karena tidak ada hari esok bagiku… Tapi aku bangga, aku bangga pada diriku sendiri, dan aku puas, semua yang perlu aku lakukan telah aku lakukan… Aku siap, kapan pun aku harus kembali duduk di sofa merah ruang tunggu Surga…

“Terima kasih ya…. Untuk hari ini…. Aku menikmatinya..… sangat… sudah lama aku tak merasakan kegembiraan yang seperti ini” Kata Matthew sembari mengecup keningku perlahan… Lalu memelukku… sepertinya ia adalah idola yang hebat, ia tahu bagaimana memperlakukan fans-fans beratnya dengan sopan. Aku tersenyum kepadanya untuk terakhir kali… lalu aku terhilang, dalam kegelapan malam…. Sepertinya aku pingsan…. Aku masih mendengar samar-samar Matthew memanggil-manggil namaku…………
…….
…….
…….

Aku mendengar lagi ada suara di kejauhan….
Perlahan-lahan aku membuka mata… Ruangan putih…. Ah aku pasti sudah kembali ke ruang tunggu Surga… Yah… baguslah… tak apa-apa… Toh, semuanya sudah aku lakukan…

“Nak…. Aduh… untung kamu sudah sadar… Matthew yang tadi malam membawa kamu kembali ke rumah sakit…. Kamu masih terlalu lemah…. Makanya kemarin kamu pingsan….” I…itu mama kan…. Sepertinya wajah dan suara itu memang mama…. Tapi…. Jadi…. Itu berarti aku tak meninggal?

“Ya ibu, anak ibu perlu istirahat total….” Kata seseorang yang aku juga tahu benar suaranya… Dia Gaby!

“G….Ga…” Aku selalu berusaha memanggil namanya, tapi aku tak bisa…

“Iya… ini Dr. Gabriel… beristirahatlah my dear… kamu tampak sangat lelah….” Dan lalu ia mendekati telingaku dan kembali berbisik… “Aku berbohong…” Whaattt? Hatiku melompat terkejut… “Aku tadi berbohong, kamu tidak akan meninggal dalam waktu dekat ini… Hidupmu masih panjang… Dan masih ada Matthew, yang menunggumu…” bisiknya sambil tertawa kecil…

“J… Jadi…” Aku bingung.

“Jadi, nikmati hidupmu…. I was just trying to make a point yesterday… Kalau kamu cuma punya waktu satu hari, kamu tentu akan memanfaatkan hari itu dengan sebaik-baiknya kan? Kamu akan katakan apa yang perlu kamu katakan, dan kamu akan lakukan apa yang perlu kamu lakukan. Jadi, mengapa tidak kamu anggap setiap hari adalah hari terakhirmu? Manfaatkan setiap detik sebaik-baiknya, lakukan yang terbaik dari setiap usahamu, dan yang terpenting, jangan pernah takut. Tuhan tidak pernah meninggalkan kamu, dan Dia sudah menyiapkan masa depan yang indah untukmu…. dan dia…” matanya melirik ke Matthew, sambil lalu tersenyum.

Matthew datang. Ia tergopoh-gopoh membawa beberapa keranjang buah-buahan dan makanan. Gaby mengedipkan sebelah matanya, memegang tanganku erat-erat… lalu ia pergi meninggalkan aku, dan aku berani bersumpah aku melihat dia menghilang dalam kilatan cahaya yang menyilaukan… Tapi aku tahu, tidak akan ada yang percaya, bahwa dia adalah malaikat, yang diutus Tuhan untuk membukakan mataku, agar aku berani menatap kehidupan. Berani mengatakan ya pada tantangan, dan berani mengambil resiko. Karena seperti halnya mata uang, di balik setiap kegagalan, pasti ada sejuta keberhasilan.

Matthew menghampiriku, duduk di dekatku dan kami pun berbincang-bincang lagi…. Sepertinya, masih akan banyak perbincangan yang akan aku lakukan bersamanya… Terima kasih Tuhan… Untuk kesempatan… kesempatan kedua. Dan… untuk sebuah ruang tunggu yang indah di Surga…

Sushi Bar.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Selasa, Juni 15, 2010 01.50

Ingin tertawa rasanya. Aku sedang duduk di sushi bar sebuah restoran… Saat aku menyadari, betapa serupanya hidup dengan sushi bar. Sepiring demi sepiring sushi melewatiku, menawarkan kelezatan yang tak terkira, namun aku harus bertahan untuk tak mengambilnya, sebab aku sudah makan terlalu banyak hari itu. Tapi coba lihat, piring yang sama lewat lagi beberapa menit berikutnya. Dan lagi beberapa menit setelah itu. Lalu lagi, dan lagi, dan lagi... Jika aku duduk lebih lama di sana, pasti aku sudah mengambil sepiring atau dua piring lagi. Aku rasa konsep sushi bar ini memang satu bentuk strategi penjualan yang sangat menguntungkan. Tawarkan saja berulang kali. Dan hanya masalah waktu sampai seseorang menerima tawaran Anda.

Begitu pula dengan hidup. Dunia ini menawarkan segalanya. Yang terbaik, dan yang terburuk, semuanya dalam urutan yang sama, berputar melewati kita, dan menunggu saat kita mengambilnya. Kesempatan berjalan melewati kita, tapi di belakang kesempatan bisa saja godaan sedang menanti, seperti piring-piring sushi yang berputar puluhan kali di sushi bar hari itu, mereka ‘menanti’. Semuanya berlalu pada jalur yang sama yang bernama hidup.

Berita baiknya, sama seperti ketika sedang duduk di sebuah sushi bar, kita dapat memilih. Kita dapat memilih apa yang kita ambil. Kita dapat memilih mengambil yang baik, atau yang buruk demi kelezatan yang sementara. Kita dapat memilih. Just like sushi bar. Dan entah ini berita baik atau berita buruk, mereka akan lewat lagi! Dan lagi, dan lagi. Kalau yang lewat lagi adalah kesempatan, itu hal yang baik. Tapi jika yang lewat berulang kali lagi adalah godaan, Anda sebaiknya membulatkan tekad untuk bertahan, menutup mata, dan berdoa. Tapi inilah berita baiknya. Anda selalu dapat memilih. Ya mereka akan selalu lewat lagi, lebih-lebih godaan, mereka tidak mudah menyerah. Mereka akan terus berusaha. Sampai Anda berkata tidak dengan tegas. Satu hal yang terpenting adalah membuat pilihan yang benar. Dan Anda tidak perlu tergesa-gesa untuk itu. Bahkan dikatakan dalam Lukas 6:12, Yesus pun berdoa ‘semalam-malaman’ sebelum memilih kedua belas muridnya. Artinya, Ia mengerti tentang pentingnya memikirkan setiap langkah pilihan kita. Pentingnya bijak dalam memilih. Itulah sebabnya pemilu Amerika Serikat dapat berlangsung setahun lebih, agar orang-orang benar-benar memikirkan pilihannya, dan bertanggung jawab atas pilihan mereka. Bijak dalam memilih akan memberikan Anda kehidupan yang lebih baik. Dan sudah pasti akan menjamin masa depan yang lebih cemerlang. Be wise.

Ketika Ku Pergi.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Sabtu, April 03, 2010 08.56

Ketika ku pergi nanti
Mungkin baru kau sadari
Betapa cinta kita terlalu berarti
Lebih manis dari rasa rindu ini.
Lebih menyakitkan dari segala luka di hati.

Ketika terbentang jarak antara kita
Baru kau akan berkata
Tak seharusnya kita berpisah
Sampai selamanya, seharusnya bersama.

Kembali, akankah kau kembali
Saat kau akhirnya mengerti
Harga cinta yang tak dapat kau beli
Kutunggu, akankah kutunggu
Hadirmu lagi dalam hidupku.

Aku bertanya... Aku merindu...
Aku menduga...Aku memilu...
Aku berserah...
Biar esok hari menjawab pertanyaannya sendiri.

Disciplines of Durability by Charles R. Swindoll

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Jumat, Maret 26, 2010 21.02

Tucked away in the folds of Hebrews 11 is a two-word biography worth a second glance: "he endured" (11:27). The "he" refers to Moses. Moses was the one who hung tough, who refused to give in or give up, who decided that no amount of odds against him would cause him to surrender. He had staying power. He possessed the disciplines of durability.

He endured, despite the contempt of Pharaoh, the mightiest monarch of that era. He endured, despite the stubbornness of the Hebrews who grumbled, blamed, complained, and rebelled. He endured, despite the criticism of Miriam and Aaron, his own sister and brother. When ten out of twelve spies came back with their nay-sayings, Moses stood fast. When Korah and Dathan and Abiram led a cold, cunning conspiracy against him, Moses remained "resolute."

Maybe the great Apostle of Grace had such things in mind when he introduced his classic essay on the armor of God by saying, "and having done everything . . . stand firm" (Eph. 6:13).

Stand firm when the wicked appear to be winning. Stand firm in times of crisis. Stand firm even when no one will know you compromised. Stand firm when big people act contemptibly small. Stand firm when people demand authority they don't deserve. Stand firm . . . keep your head . . . stay true . . . endure!

I have no idea where this finds you. For all I know, you are stronger than ever, pressing on with a full tank of resolve. That's great. However, you may be getting shaky. Your normally thick hide of moral purity and ethical integrity may be wearing thin. It's possible you've begun to listen too closely to your critics or need others' approval too much. Maybe you've started giving in to the kids in little areas you once resisted because you're tired, sort of shrugging off your better judgment.

Moses endured---even in his eighties. How? The same verse tells us: by focusing his attention on "Him who is invisible." He fixed his heart and soul on the One who, alone, judges righteously. He continually reminded himself that his sole purpose in life was to please the Lord . . . to obey Him . . . to glorify Him . . . to gain His approval at all cost.

Whatever it is you're facing, stand strong. Walk in quiet confidence, not veiled pride. Be sure without being stubborn . . . firm without being unteachable . . . enduring but not discourteous . . . full of truth balanced with grace.

Exacting indeed are the disciplines of durability.

"To be torn unmercifully by external forces, and still to preserve one's inward integrity, is to know the discipline that endures" (V. Raymond Edman).

How Good It Would Be.

Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Jumat, Januari 08, 2010 08.49

I used to think of leaving You.
Try to live the world on my own.
I thought I was strong enough.
To live outside Your zone.

The world seems rather easy.
But now I know that it's so hard.
Every time I try...
I come back and cry...

How good it would be outside the Lord,
far from Him and His love.
You never know, but I know you know,
it won't be this good...