How To Survive an Ugly Breakup.
Posted by Sarah Audrey Christie , Jumat, Juni 18, 2010 03.50
So here's the thing about love... It's not easy to let go... I repeat, not easy people, not easy... Been there, done that. Believe me, it felt just like a drug addiction. Maybe even worse than drug addiction. Well, please don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that you better have a drug addiction. I'm just saying... It's hard, and it will need a serious attention. And one heck of a serious handling too. Because once we quit the relationship, we will have to go through a painful withdrawal condition: we really want it, but we can't have it. We really want him/ her, but we can't have him/ her. And that condition will be marked (I assure you it will...) with tons of hallucinations and bad dreams, lots of midnight groans and pity cries, the feeling of incomplete, hours (and sometimes could be 'days' or 'months') of daydreaming and blankness... not to mention many other serious illness that may surface, only because we want to get rid of the sweet unforgettable memories of the one we love...
Well, my simple suggestion is, don't give up. Trust me, you can do it. It's not that bad. It looks damn bad. But actually, it's not. It just looks that way, which lead you to my other simple suggestion, do not believe what you see... ^-^... Just have a determined heart and mind that you want all of these ugly feelings over, and that you want to move on with your life. We will talk more about that determination and other ways of treatment later, but for now, let's focus on the post-relationship conditions. Because, like always, you need to know the conditions in order to find the cure.
First of all, It will start with... Cries... Pity cries, followed by the most popular question of desperation: 'why??!!' or 'why me?' Or 'Why God, why??' That's a normal reaction of an ugly break up. It's OK. Do not be ashamed of it. Everybody has that question. Often with no particular answer. I mean, certainly, God will not answer it, right. He'd be exhausted. Too many people are asking the same question nowadays. And because you're the one who ask that question, I can assume, that you also don't know the answer... So the point here is not to find the answer, but to accept, that there might be no answer at all... That these things happen, all the time, to almost all people. Yes, it happens for a reason, but you just don't know it yet, and you don't need to know it now. So popped the question, yes, but don't expect the answer. Just let it go. Let it flow. That way, you will be free from the need of knowing why. Because that need is killing you. And it will kill you sooner or later if you don't stop trying to find an answer, which is usually by making false assumption of yourself and your lover, and life, and more often, of God. Why?? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not kind enough? Did I make mistake? Maybe He just don't love me anymore. Maybe God don't want me to be happy. Believe me, all of your false assumptions are often.. false! And it won't make you feel better. It just makes you feel worse, even worst. Those self pity thoughts are poisonous, do not hear it, or be influenced by it. Just accept and realize that these things happen, and sometimes, it is not your fault. Or even if you did make a mistake, it is not the main reason of your break up.
This also conclude the first thing you must have, after an ugly end of your relationship: an acceptance. Accept the situation. Accept the failure. Consider it as a part of life. And if you do really need an answer to the question 'why', please do not answer it with a negative statement like all of those above. Instead, try to answer it generally with a positive statement. For example: why is this happening to me? Well, because God has better plans for me. Because I deserve better. Things like that. It will make you feel a lot better. Don't pity yourself with all those negative statements. Be thankful though, that you are still alive and well. And you will survive. No matter what. You will. No matter what, you will come out as a winner. Trust me. But more than anything, trust yourself. You can do it.
Some people will have more than self pity, some will have anger. Lots of anger. Uncontrollable anger. Let's face it. Break up makes you angry. I describe anger as a form of reaction of an unsatisfactory in life. And I am positive that break up is not a satisfying condition.
So you are angry now. What would you do? Break stuffs? Kill a cat? Yell at people? Hit the walls with bare hands? Hurt yourself? Hey, I did all that during my ugly break up, except to kill a cat, of course, cause I can't find one. And you know what, frankly, it did make me feel a bit better, BUT (that’s a capital ‘but’ here..) it didn't make my life better, even a tiny tiny bit. We were still breaking up, things are still bad between us, and he's not coming back. And I got a swollen and bleeding left hand that I am not proud of. You know, I can still see some darker colored spots near the knuckles of my hand, reminds me that it has been wounded before because of a silly silly thing that I did a long time ago.
So I'm not telling you not to be angry, the situations are so bad that you deserve to feel irritated and offended by it. Instead, do be angry, but do not lose control. The Bible has a really good way of coping with anger. It says, something like this (I try to make my own version of it): When you're angry, get into your room and lock it, stay there until you're calmed down. And it certainly didn't say, while you're there, break any stuffs you can find. And it also didn't say hurt yourself repeatedly. The one thing I would suggest is scream as loud as you can. But don't lose it. Cause you won't want to lose your voice just for an ugly break up.
So once again, do be angry, it helps, BUT (it's that capital but again...) do not lose control.
And for the next worst thing come these hallucinations and bad dreams, and hours (up until 'days') of daydreaming and blankness. It’s understandable because yes, something precious, or someone, is taken away from you. So suddenly you feel empty, incomplete, inside out. You feel like an empty room without a single furniture... Lame, and again...empty... Well, again, I truly understand your feelings. It's alright to feel that way for sometime. It's perfectly normal. It’s just another phase that you must go through in order to be cured from all of your pain. But you must realize that you can't keep yourself in this phase too long. Don’t keep indulging yourself with this empty and incomplete feelings because it will only make you suffer more, that it will be much harder to forget everything in order to move on with your life.
The point is, this phase must happen, but the total control is in your hand, when and how long will you need to have it. In this phase (and actually all the other phases before it), you have the power to say “enough!”. Look, the first and second month after break up are the most crucial times, it’s the right time to be broken. You are allowed to be. People will totally understand. They will come and hug you, and stay by your side and if you’re lucky, they will cry with you. But after two months, dude, it would be just a waste of time. Even the loveliest friend you have will get bored. Believe me, I’ve been in this phase. The longer I stay in this phase, the harder to get out from it. Plus, my friends are getting numb… So, my personal and professional advice to you would be: I understand how you feel, but please, just get back on your feet and face it. Yes, reality sucks. Don’t blame yourself. No way you could bring him or her back. Nothing you can do could fix it. Face it. It’s gone. It’s just a sweet memory now. Remember it, cherish it, but leave it behind. Even how hard you try to remember every beautiful moment you had, it doesn’t belong in the future, because it’s the past. Let the future writes its own beautiful moments, and believe me, it will be a lot more beautiful than the beauty of the past.
See the bright side. Look outside, the sun is still shining bright. The world hasn’t ended yet. You still have so many good things in life you should be thankful of. Wonderful family, amazing friends, good career, and yourself, a nice and talented person inside you. Don’t waste it. Be proud of it. Be thankful of everything. Then wake up and go on with your life. You still have so much great things ahead, waiting to happen.
Okay, here’s the best way to cope with your feelings in times like this. It’s quite a simple idea really. You feel empty, right? Like a room without furniture (OK it sounds kind of sad, so this would be the last time I say it that way). So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is: fill your empty room with new furniture! Find some ‘new stuffs’, some good stuffs to put in your ‘room’. Fill yourself with new people, new friends, new activities that can help you think about anything else besides your own problem. Help other people in need. The most important thing is don’t let yourself be alone. Make everyday packed with lots of activities and friends. It helps. And it’s the best medicine. In my case, I read new books, watched a lot of comedy movies that can make me laugh at life, I wrote a lot, and believe it or not, I sang and danced by myself! I don’t care, I just want to make me feel better. I went shopping, met some old friends of mine, met some new friends, ate some delicious foods, buy something I’ve been wanting to buy… and all that made me feel a lot better. Maybe you should try it. Or just try something else. Do things you’ve been wanting to do for so long, things you haven’t got the chance to do before. Buy things you really want, spend some money. Free yourself. And you shall be free from your pain.
So, come on…. It’s just a guy…. Or a girl… (Man, I know how hard it is to think that way, even until now, I am still asking all those ‘why’ questions…). But… you’ll find a better one. I promise you, you will. My point is, don’t rush yourself saying he or she is the one. You don’t know it yet. You haven’t met half a million people living in this earth. And the good news is, you will still be alive and well without him or her. Have fun, enjoy your life, and find a new life with someone new.
